Me vs chronic illness

Hello to whomever is reading this ! I have been wanting to write blogs a lot lately but i subtlety worry about coming off negatively. The truth,  living with a chronic illness comes with your fair share of shitty days. Some of which you refuse to talk to anyone and quietly get through the day without tears. Its amazing how almost overwhelming it is to feel shitty for a period of time without a break from it. For me, i can only stare at the same walls for so many days, then i get stir crazy. The catch is no matter how much i need to get out of the house and get a change of scenery, some weeks im not well enough. I end up in this fight between my illness and feeling like total shit and then my own self itching to get out of the house and be around people. two different parts of me pulling me in two different directions. frustration and anger are a common result of the fight between wanting to go out and do something but not feeling well enough to do it. The stupid part, even though i know better, occasionally i push my body too much and go out anyways and then i end up worse than i was in the beginning. Yes, i am smart enough to know better, that pushing my body when its only capably of the minimum it needs to survive its not a good choice, but hey im only human.
Being 21 makes the want to do "typical" 21 year old things hard. The repercussions of drinking or staying out all night, make the typical things not worth it for me. i would love to check off a few things on my list that most people my age have done but for now, its either not accomplishable or id rather do what i can to feel the best i can. My hopes are still held high for the chance of one day being able to fly and see another country. For now, ill keep my feet on the ground and work on the small goals first.