And so the adventure begins..

 Monday April 13th,  Its funny how saying goodbye is so hard, i certainly was not excited to say goodbye to my family. I cannot believe i actually did it, as i packed my suitcase in disbelief and monday morning i loaded my bag into the car and i left. My first adventure "solo", I kept a brave face as everything inside me vibrated in anticipation, fear, excitement, shock and doubt. I constantly asked myself for the first few hours on the road, "What the hell am i doing, can i really do this" 

I found comfort in knowing my longest friend was on this drive with me, as i watched my "safety bubble" get further and further away in the rear view mirror. This weird sensation of being terrified of leaving the safety of home, my iv clinic, my bubble, but also the feeling of anger that i had unknowingly built a safety bubble in my everyday life. As i stared out the window, i thought about my life, the unknown ahead of me and what i started to fear most was not pushing my boundaries and not discovering what i am capable of, letting my illness limit me. 

Tuesday April 13th, I arrived at the house i would call home base for the next couple weeks. New territory, filled with people who i have known my whole life. Both new and comfort in the start of this adventure. My next hurdle, finding a whole new balance of how much i can do without pushing too hard and how much rest to stay well. The stakes are a lot greater on this adventure, i don't know how my body will adjust here, only i know my bodies limits, only i can blame myself if i mess up and push past my limit. The first few days, i treaded very lightly, i rested more than my usual and i focused on how my body felt. I was optimistic that being close to the ocean could alleviate some symptoms but it really was the last thing on my mind. Every time i would video chat with my family, the fear of this adventure not working out and the fear of regret weighed on me as i was instantly home sick.

The adventure grew to be filled with days of fun, confidence, and the slow realization that i did in fact make a great choice, i stopped fearing doubt. Holding my breath everyday as i woke up every morning, without the rush of nausea warming over me, my body did not hurt as much. Everyday looking around and taking in the world around me, seeing things with all their beauty. An epiphany you would say, as i grew in love with idea that the world around me was there to experience, to explore not only what was around me but explore how my illness reacted to places i go. Realizing that my illness does not limit me but allows me to experience life in so my different ways, i can grow in independence in my own unique way. 

All the things from, quading up a mountain and seeing little waterfalls, going to the zoo, going to a dairy farm and helping milk cows, bottle feeding a couple day old baby cow, playing with baby goats, many good conversations and time spent with friends who are like family to me. Enjoying the green grass, flowers everywhere. Baking with my dads aunt who is in her 80's, showing me how its done in the kitchen. Its been a joyous, humble, safe adventure. My last week here has begun and the countdown for my adventure home has started.

Life with an illness, comes with struggle, heart ache and fight but it also brings strength, bravery and a passion for living. I am sitting looking out the window at mountains as i write this, and i never thought i would have been brave enough to go on this adventure. 

Friday May 7th, Being that this is my first time away from my family, i had to do something to make it memorable, a story that we would tell. Woke up super early this morning, on the road at 3:30am, jump in the truck and my family friend joked about telling my parents that something came up and we had to delay leaving. Turns out this was the perfect idea, I had my family convinced that we left around 4 hours after we had actually left. Now i never lie, i am terrible at keeping a straight face but the thought of how surprised they would be, knowing how much they already are looking forward to seeing me, i was determined to keep this surprise. As i came up on my house, i was overwhelmed with pride, my adventure was a success, nothing crazy happened, im in one piece and healthy. Lets just say knocking on the door and seeing my dads face had to be the best moment ever, a hug from your dad after 4 weeks away is sure special. My mom was in disbelief when she came around the corner and saw me, and my sister didnt have words so i call that s successful surprise !!

Saturday June 5th, I have been home for a while now, many days of thinking and still needing to be pinched to make sure it wasnt a dream. To be honest i grew to live a cautious life, the voice of my doctor in my head "Hannah your life has to be boring if you want to be well". My feelings and thoughts have been all over the place, I basically blew the roof off the life i know and i have no idea what to do or feel next. I have rather big hurdles when it comes to jumping on the next adventure, which leaves too much room to think of ways to do things "Hannah style". Im currently accepting applications for an adventure seeking, free spirited, license holding, driving human, all humour intended! Jokes aside, its amazing how much of a hurdle it is not being able to drive, i end up staring at my imaginary drawing board thinking of alternative ideas, all requiring a lot of help. Safe to say that this is the true nitty gritty of life with a chronic illness, digging deep, not giving up and never taking no as the answer. Being an independent, strong, adventure loving person, living in a body that challenges me, frustrates me but inspires me to always strive for the next dream, makes for an interesting life. 

I do not hold all the answers, i cannot even tell you what the next year will hold for me. One thing for sure, my adventure has been a blessing and at times a curse. I discovered how strong i am, I finally know i can do it when i doubted if i could. I discovered that i can feel better, my body can do better, which is both amazing and challenging when im unwell at home for days on end. This knowledge has been worth my adventure, I am thankful for my family, and my friends who are practically family whom i stayed with for 4 weeks. Without this group of people behind me, i would have never left my safety bubble and that i cant thank everyone enough for. My family supported me every day, not a day passed that i didnt video chat them and i would not of kept strong without them. Living with a chronic illness brings so much to my life, both good and bad but at the end of the day, i would not be who i am today with out my chronic illness and thats worth sharing.