Raising awareness to life with a chronic illness

October is dysautonomia awarness month. Here are things that i chose not to say, these are result of life with a chronic illness.

• This is really hard: I rarely say this aloud, because i try so hard to stay positive and open minded but there are parts of my life which are really hard to get thru and my illness brings situations that test me to the near breaking point, so yeah its gets really hard to get through the day when every part of you feels like shit. then again, no one said this was going to be easy
• I want a break from this: i guess any person would want a break from a chronic illness and all the not fun things that come with it. the doctors appointments, the getting poked with needles every two weeks to get treatment to help make you feel better. no pain no gain, i guess 
• why cant things go right for once: I cannot say i have it terrible because there are people who have it worse than i do. I can however say, a lot of the time i just feel like i have bad luck. As soon as things get "stable" something else has to pop up and reek havoc. i would love for things to go right for a little while just so i can accomplish some things. 
• I wish more people tried to understand: i know its near impossible for someone to totally understand unless your my family and see me everyday or if you yourself has gone thru health problems. but i wish people would just take the time to try. i feel like thats fair. i know my life is very different but common try and level with me.
• why: its been five years and yes i still ask myself why at least once a week. i would ask other people but lets be honest, that would just be weird.
• can i keep dreaming: this i truly have not spoke to anyone about. with my life being as unique as it is, i always seem to wonder if i can dream big about my future. My biggest dream is becoming a doctor, i love the idea of being able to help people at that level. but then i think what if my life isnt meant to line up and point in that direction. i have no idea what next year will hold, let alone tomorrow.
• will things be okay: when you have weeks of not feeling good, you do wonder if things will be okay. so many different things happen and change in my life with pots and i think its fair to wonder sometimes.
• I wish i didnt complain: i have met people in worse situations than me and i always get disappointed in myself that i complain because compared to them, i have nothing to complain about. i feel bad that my family always to listen to me say that i dont feel good or that im tired of this or that. i wish i had to strength not to complain and just deal with it.
• I'm tired: im tired of having to study my illness so i can get the help i need because doctors in Canada dont have enough information on my illness. im tired of the effort and time it takes to see specialists in Canada, i choose not to anymore unless its imperative, this is unfair and crazy to me. overall im just tired of my illness being the biggest thing in my life right now.  
• I want to be independent: for starters, im not aloud to drive, and day long outings i cant do alone. i wish i could get in the car and leave and do whatever i wanted to ( just drive around would be nice). I really hate having to depend on people so much, i always feel so bad. i know i cant do anything about it but still sucks. i would love to be able to pay for my own phone bill. this simple thing would be a huge thing to me. 

So there you go, the random list of things i think about but neglect to talk about at all if rarely. an illness changes your life a lot and as i get older there are bigger things im faced with that i currently am unable to do and thats a hard thing to grasp, let alone accept.